For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299