I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.