Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
You Might Also Like
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.