Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)