therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
You Might Also Like
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”