*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.