The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Good Morning.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher