Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet