@WorkaholicsQ

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

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@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@_wangwe

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

@UncleDuke1969

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@jenlaw_11

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

@Molly_Kats

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

@midnightwhale

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@DirtMcTurd

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.