“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting