My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”