[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow