Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.