ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
sistine chapel
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.