@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

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@TheHyyyype

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

@ericallenhatch

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

@RickAaron

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@prufrockluvsong

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates