I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something