@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

You Might Also Like

@soulindivision

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@HousewifeOfHell

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

@Shimmersteak

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

@robin_991

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

@ZiddiAkki

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

@Shade510

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something