I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.


As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.


Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.


The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.


I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half


Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics


10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”


The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.