I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

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[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too


THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.


A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.


her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel


assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?


I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.


My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster


[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates