My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.