Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME