I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.