can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
You are not alone 💚
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Every work meeting this week
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.