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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
waiting for halloween be like:
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Stop.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
White Castle for the Win
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.