Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood