[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you![]()
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler