[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast