I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive