I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
😂 amazing answer
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Put this video in the Louvre
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.