Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.