So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Butt weight. There’s more!
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger