They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on