Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
whatcha thinkin bout
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Ummm
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.