І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
TRAIN’S HERE
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks