I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
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doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*jazz hands*
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok