contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
You Might Also Like
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi