This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
This is true.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.