We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
PLEASE READ
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.