Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“The Perfect Relationship”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Hey i am sexy to you now
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house