After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Awesome parenting 😂
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*lint rolls you awake*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset