When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..