your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
This meal prepping shit is easy
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
wish me luck lads
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise