your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

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*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]


Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.


Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.


99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire


We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.


Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.


I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!


“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.