Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The second world war should have been called world war returns
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda