Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?