I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
called in thicc to work this morning
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”