Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
You Might Also Like
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.