Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”