Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.