I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.