“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
😍😂🥰😂😍
I triple waxed for this?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.