monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
#TopTip
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.