[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
You Might Also Like
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
wow he looks just like him
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me, reading some of your tweets