I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure