Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Plant care tips
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me if I was a dog
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”