Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
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OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
and this one
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
hackers play passwordle
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
dril cadence
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played