Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.