And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
this will hang in the louvre one day
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables