Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS