The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
No, he would not have.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.